First off, thank you ladies for your sweet words and support. It meant a lot.
These past two weeks have been purely stressful. My grandmother’s health took a turn for the worse on Sunday, February 6 and sadly passed away a week ago on Wednesday, February 9th. I went up each day to be there for my Mom. My Mom and I were with my Nanny for her final moments. To say that the last two weeks have been very emotional is an understatement. I have been trying to stay strong for my mom and have been helping her take care of everything. All I can say is that my Mom is an extremely strong and compassionate person. Her love and care is what put my Nanny at peace with leaving this world. I love you Mommy and the person you are.
Of course this past week I was also dealing with the longest visit from AF I have ever had. She was vicious. Boy, I happy to see her finally go. We are planning on starting IVF #2 after my next cycle. Hubs has a business trip the first week of April, so we will see how the timing works out. I am ready for our next go around. I feel so much calmer already knowing what to expect. I have an appointment scheduled for February 21st to talk to the head doctor about our previous attempt as well as our next. I have a list of questions that continues to grow and am looking forward to getting some answers.
To add salt to the wound, Saturday was my cousin’s BABY SHOWER! Talk about 4 hours of torture.
Hubs and I had a very nice and quiet Valentine’s at home with our fur baby. He got me a beautiful bracelet and charm for my necklace. We had a wonderful spaghetti dinner, snuggled on the couch, and caught up on our shows.
I am looking forward to my 4-day weekend. I just wish Friday’s projected 68 degree weather was lasting all weekend.
Hurry up Spring… I miss you!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Beta #2
I deleted Monday’s post. I can’t bear to look at it. I should have known better. I was trying to be optimistic. I was trying to stay positive. I was following what I was told as I have throughout this whole process.
I knew in my heart. The pit of my stomach told me. I just knew. I knew it wouldn’t last. I knew that 17.9 was not a good number to start out at. I knew yesterday morning when I took another FRER and the line was very, very faint. I knew that was not good. I prayed the number would double, but I knew not to expect it to. I knew when I could finally quench my thirst. This was one time I didn’t want to know, but I did know. I knew I couldn’t wait another 24 hours. I knew I needed to go have my blood drawn. I knew I needed to confirm my fear.
I battled through the morning at work feeling like my chest was closing in on me. Tears were welled up in my eyes. I felt like I was going to lose it. I finally called the head IVF nurse and told her my concerns. She tried to be positive and keep any hope alive. She said if I could be there by noon I would have the results by 3. I asked her if she recommended me to come today or tomorrow morning. She replied, “Come today if you want to follow your heart. Come tomorrow if you want to follow science.” I got permission to leave as at this point I couldn’t hold it in. The tears were just rolling down my cheek. I drove in the rain to the FC. There was no one in the waiting room, so they took me back right away. I went home and waited and waited and waited. Finally, the phone rang. She confirmed what I already knew. Beta was 4.4. My pregnancy was over.
Even though I tried mentally to prepare myself for what I knew was coming, I still felt like someone just cut me open and ripped out my heart. The pain was so heavy. The hurt was so deep. The anger was so strong. The dream was crushed. I knew it all along. All last week I just had “that” feeling that this was not going to be.
I immediately called my mom. I couldn’t call my husband at work. There are always people around and I knew he needed to be alone when I told him. My mom has been my rock. I was crying so bad that she couldn’t understand me. I told her I would call her back. 35 minutes later as I was sitting in the chair, crying as I stared out the window. I saw my mom pull into my driveway. Never in my 28 years of life has my mom not been there for me. We hugged and cried. She comforted me as only a mother can do. We talked and I explained to her everything that I discussed with the nurse.
My husband called around 5pm as he always does. I was going to try to wait until he got home to tell him but he could already tell something was wrong from my voice. I tried to tell him but I couldn’t get the words out. Finally, I did. He asked me how I knew for sure since my blood work was supposed to be the next day. I told him how I had the blood drawn this afternoon and they confirmed what I thought. I could tell he was sad. He said, “We’ll try again.” When he got home, we hugged and cried and talked.
I do know one thing is that we are not giving up! Do you hear me Infertility?
WE ARE NOT GIVING UP!
I knew in my heart. The pit of my stomach told me. I just knew. I knew it wouldn’t last. I knew that 17.9 was not a good number to start out at. I knew yesterday morning when I took another FRER and the line was very, very faint. I knew that was not good. I prayed the number would double, but I knew not to expect it to. I knew when I could finally quench my thirst. This was one time I didn’t want to know, but I did know. I knew I couldn’t wait another 24 hours. I knew I needed to go have my blood drawn. I knew I needed to confirm my fear.
I battled through the morning at work feeling like my chest was closing in on me. Tears were welled up in my eyes. I felt like I was going to lose it. I finally called the head IVF nurse and told her my concerns. She tried to be positive and keep any hope alive. She said if I could be there by noon I would have the results by 3. I asked her if she recommended me to come today or tomorrow morning. She replied, “Come today if you want to follow your heart. Come tomorrow if you want to follow science.” I got permission to leave as at this point I couldn’t hold it in. The tears were just rolling down my cheek. I drove in the rain to the FC. There was no one in the waiting room, so they took me back right away. I went home and waited and waited and waited. Finally, the phone rang. She confirmed what I already knew. Beta was 4.4. My pregnancy was over.
Even though I tried mentally to prepare myself for what I knew was coming, I still felt like someone just cut me open and ripped out my heart. The pain was so heavy. The hurt was so deep. The anger was so strong. The dream was crushed. I knew it all along. All last week I just had “that” feeling that this was not going to be.
I immediately called my mom. I couldn’t call my husband at work. There are always people around and I knew he needed to be alone when I told him. My mom has been my rock. I was crying so bad that she couldn’t understand me. I told her I would call her back. 35 minutes later as I was sitting in the chair, crying as I stared out the window. I saw my mom pull into my driveway. Never in my 28 years of life has my mom not been there for me. We hugged and cried. She comforted me as only a mother can do. We talked and I explained to her everything that I discussed with the nurse.
My husband called around 5pm as he always does. I was going to try to wait until he got home to tell him but he could already tell something was wrong from my voice. I tried to tell him but I couldn’t get the words out. Finally, I did. He asked me how I knew for sure since my blood work was supposed to be the next day. I told him how I had the blood drawn this afternoon and they confirmed what I thought. I could tell he was sad. He said, “We’ll try again.” When he got home, we hugged and cried and talked.
I do know one thing is that we are not giving up! Do you hear me Infertility?
WE ARE NOT GIVING UP!
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