Beta #2

I deleted Monday’s post. I can’t bear to look at it. I should have known better. I was trying to be optimistic. I was trying to stay positive. I was following what I was told as I have throughout this whole process.

I knew in my heart. The pit of my stomach told me. I just knew. I knew it wouldn’t last. I knew that 17.9 was not a good number to start out at. I knew yesterday morning when I took another FRER and the line was very, very faint. I knew that was not good. I prayed the number would double, but I knew not to expect it to. I knew when I could finally quench my thirst. This was one time I didn’t want to know, but I did know. I knew I couldn’t wait another 24 hours. I knew I needed to go have my blood drawn. I knew I needed to confirm my fear.

I battled through the morning at work feeling like my chest was closing in on me. Tears were welled up in my eyes. I felt like I was going to lose it. I finally called the head IVF nurse and told her my concerns. She tried to be positive and keep any hope alive. She said if I could be there by noon I would have the results by 3. I asked her if she recommended me to come today or tomorrow morning. She replied, “Come today if you want to follow your heart. Come tomorrow if you want to follow science.” I got permission to leave as at this point I couldn’t hold it in. The tears were just rolling down my cheek. I drove in the rain to the FC. There was no one in the waiting room, so they took me back right away. I went home and waited and waited and waited. Finally, the phone rang. She confirmed what I already knew. Beta was 4.4. My pregnancy was over.

Even though I tried mentally to prepare myself for what I knew was coming, I still felt like someone just cut me open and ripped out my heart. The pain was so heavy. The hurt was so deep. The anger was so strong. The dream was crushed. I knew it all along. All last week I just had “that” feeling that this was not going to be.

I immediately called my mom. I couldn’t call my husband at work. There are always people around and I knew he needed to be alone when I told him. My mom has been my rock. I was crying so bad that she couldn’t understand me. I told her I would call her back. 35 minutes later as I was sitting in the chair, crying as I stared out the window. I saw my mom pull into my driveway. Never in my 28 years of life has my mom not been there for me. We hugged and cried. She comforted me as only a mother can do. We talked and I explained to her everything that I discussed with the nurse.

My husband called around 5pm as he always does. I was going to try to wait until he got home to tell him but he could already tell something was wrong from my voice. I tried to tell him but I couldn’t get the words out. Finally, I did. He asked me how I knew for sure since my blood work was supposed to be the next day. I told him how I had the blood drawn this afternoon and they confirmed what I thought. I could tell he was sad. He said, “We’ll try again.” When he got home, we hugged and cried and talked.

I do know one thing is that we are not giving up! Do you hear me Infertility?

WE ARE NOT GIVING UP!